my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You are a genius and a whore.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother