well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
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