Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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