Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
