yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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