You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
