Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So squirting runs in the family.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
