we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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