Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
