bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
