dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
worst night to have a conscience
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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