smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
