just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
