Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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