Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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