It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
