i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
