Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
