So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
