i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
