a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
