My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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