Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
