The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
