I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
