Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
