Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
