just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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