Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
