The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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