You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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