i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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