I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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