Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
