Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
