so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
