Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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