Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
