The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
