he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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