Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
