Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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