listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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