I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
