I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
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Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
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There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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