How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
