im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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