You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Boobs speak an international language.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
