I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
