I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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