found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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