Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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