this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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