They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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