My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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