I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
