I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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