smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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