OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
