you guys were way drunker than both of me
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
