She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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