Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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