I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize